A chip with his right, a shot with his left and, the piece de resistance, a header after a Paul Gascoigne-esque flick over the defender: Serhou Guirassy scored the royal flush of hat-tricks in Stuttgart’s 3-1 win at Mainz on Saturday. Or so he thought.
In Germany, however, there’s an inexplicable conviction that only an uninterrupted flurry of three goals constitutes a ‘pure’ hat-trick. Because Leandro Barreiro bundled in an equaliser for the home side in the midst of the Guinea striker’s goal glut — with some kind help of Stuttgart keeper Alexander Nubel — his feat was swiftly downgraded to a mere ‘Dreierpack’ — a three-pack, in the pernickety trade papers.
The 27-year-old will get over it, no doubt. (If you think that’s fussy, wait for your neighbours’ scorn if you put a yoghurt lid into the wrong recycling bin in Swabia.)
Guirassy’s non-hat-trick hat-trick lifted last year’s relegation play-off participants to fourth in the table, their best start in 19 years and early confirmation that this column’s August prediction — “Stuttgart will be the surprise package of the season” — was incredibly wise and prescient, as usual.
Guirassy holds off Mainz’s Stefan Bell (Uwe Anspach/picture alliance via Getty Images)
A marked improvement in results was perhaps always on the cards after Sebastian Hoeness’ men had consistently undershot their expected goals (xG) for much of last season. But not even the most fervent optimists would have predicted Guirassy scoring eight goals in four games. That is an unprecedented achievement in modern times — no one has hit the net so often this early in a season since Borussia Monchengladbach forward Peter Meyer in 1967.
“Serhou’s scoring rate is pure psycho,” team-mate Deniz Undav said in disbelief. “He’s ice cold in front of goal and just enjoys himself.” Only three more goals, and the France-born striker will equal his tally from the previous campaign, when he played at MHPArena on loan from Rennes.
The €9million (£7.7m; $9.6m) Stuttgart paid to make his transfer permanent this summer already looks like one of the best bargains from the transfer window. Stuttgart almost doubled their money when a host of clubs including Ajax — whose sporting director Sven Mislinat, formerly of Arsenal, had brought Guirassy to Germany a year earlier while working in the same position for Stuttgart — threatened to trigger a release clause late in the window.
Guirassy’s long-term dream of playing for a top Premier League side made him stay, though — for the time being at least.
Transfer speculation will inevitably flare up again towards January, including on Merseyside — it was Liverpool caretaker sporting director Jorg Schmadtke who first signed Guirassy as a 20-year-old for Cologne from Lille’s B team. (You’re welcome for the spurious link, aggregators.)
His stint at RheinEnergie Stadion (2016-19) was not nearly as productive, however, yielding nine goals in 45 matches. His 12 goals for Rennes in 2021-22 did not exactly scream “superstar”, either. But Mislintat saw the potential, even if some at Stuttgart are reluctant to give the 50-year-old retrospective credit.
On the terraces, supporters have coined a new verb, ‘guirassieren’, in his honour, from ‘rasieren’ — to shave or to kill. If the Swabians can hold on to the sharpest blade in European football right now until the end of the season, Europe might not be a pipe dream.
Would it be an exaggeration to call matchday four one of the best in many years? It certainly felt that way.
The weekend kicked off with the breathless encounter in Munich between first and second and never let up. Friday’s 2-2 draw saw a masterclass from 20-year-old Florian Wirtz, resilience from Bayer Leverkusen and plenty of good football from Bayern Munich’s forward line — including the inevitable Harry Kane goal — but the home side’s unfailing ability to create political storylines beyond the result once again shone brightest before Wednesday’s meeting with Manchester United.
To be more precise, we saw the continuation of the ‘holding No 6’ plot that’s been dominating the early rounds.
This time, Joshua Kimmich was substituted on the hour mark, ostensibly to protect him from injury, but the 28-year-old did not look too happy. Kimmich, who was demoted to right-back in Hansi Flick’s swansong against Japan (a 4-1 defeat) and missed out on the subsequent win over France with injury, also had not taken corners in the game, as Leroy Sane took over that duty.
Thomas Tuchel, in fairness, has banged on about somebody coming to bring out the best of Kimmich behind him rather than to replace him. But the rather overblown debate about his supposed defensive weaknesses is beginning to take on a dangerous dynamic of its own.
“Kimmich wants to do too much in the centre,“ Michael Ballack told Monday’s Kicker, fuelling the flames. “He’s only world-class as a right-back”.
If things continue in this vein, Kimmich might start thinking his talents are perhaps appreciated more elsewhere, as was sadly the case with Thiago and Toni Kroos.
Tuchel and Kimmich during Friday’s draw with Leverkusen (Stefan Matzke – sampics/Corbis via Getty Images)
Talking of politics, we’re in for a fight between Bayern and the German Football Association (DFB).
The association’s appointment of Andreas Rettig, 60, as director of football has gone down like a stale beer in Bavaria. Supervisory board member Karl-Heinz Rummenigge stepped down from his position in the DFB task force in protest, citing a lack of communication and calling Rettig, acidly, “an appointment worthy of debate”.
The former St Pauli chief commercial officer, who was also a director of football at Augsburg and Cologne, has often warned about too much commercialisation and is seen as somebody representing the needs of the smaller clubs, first and foremost. Bayern big shots Uli Hoeness and Rummenigge had yet to return his calls and messages, Rettig told reporters on Monday. Get a van-load of popcorn in — this one’s going to be interesting.
Elsewhere, Borussia Monchengladbach fought back from being 3-0 down and missing a penalty to snatch a 3-3 draw against 10-man Darmstadt on Sunday. Crazy stuff!
New boys Heidenheim were rather wonderful in their 4-2 win over Werder Bremen that same day, and there was also a goal-of-the-season contender from Hoffenheim’s Florian Grillitsch, who found an (admittedly empty) net from just inside his own half in a 3-1 away win at Cologne.
Jan-Niklas Beste celebrates Heidenheim’s fourth goal against Werder Bremen (Sebastian Widmann/Getty Images)
The most important result of the season, however, might well have been Borussia Dortmund’s 4-2 win at Freiburg. Last season’s runners-up had made the trip to Breisgau in crisis mode, with some club insiders claiming that Edin Terzic’s job was firmly on the line. However, veterans Mats Hummel (two goals) and Marco Reus (one) ensured that the 40-year-old could sleep a little more soundly as the away team took advantage of Nicolas Hofler’s red card and eked out a valuable win.
Next up: Paris Saint-Germain at Parc des Princes.
(Top photo: Alex Grimm/Getty Images)
